We put Adler to bed with poems and hugs and kisses and his lava light on and his Led Zeppelin lullaby playing. Stars twinkle on the walls and ceiling from his lady bug and turtle light. His bed full of special stuffed animals hand picked by him! And I watch him on the monitor unable to get comfortable and I know what’s coming. The PAIN.
PAIN came unwanted in the fall of 2013 and has yet to leave. Its almost like Poe’s The Raven but there was no rapping at the door. He just came right in. Taking up residence in our son. Agonizing PAIN that would leave him sweaty and shaken and desperate in my arms as he would say “I love you” between cries and screams. And all the while he lurked in the shadows and then in the light. He didn’t even hide anymore as the PAIN became more frequent and more unbearable.
I often imagined if PAIN took human form that he would be tall and thin but fit, dressed in a sleek black suit, crisp white shirt and a red silk tie. Pale skin and jet black hair parted and slicked to the side with a slight wave to it. Wearing a hat and looking as if he stepped out of a photo from the roaring twenties. No smiles and nonspeaking just being. Just holding steady. I imagine him in a smokey bar sitting at a high top table on a stool with his foot purposely propped up on other stool’s rung just beneath the seat. He’d sit near the exit in the back so he can watch his people as they drink away their sarrows or couples stopping in for a night cap before they go home. Men picking up women for a good time or ladies out to relax from the mundane tasks of home life. He sits, he watches, he studies. Sitting still in the light that shines from the exit light giving him a red glow almost. Making him look evil if you believe in that sort of thing. But innocent all at the same time because PAIN is simply just doing his job. Invading someone’s life and body. And unfortunately oh so long ago now with all the memories of yesterday, in my mind, he chose Adler. And I hate him for it. It infuriates me knowing how PAIN has stripped him of so much. That mother fucker stole his innocence. Put him in the hospital and on powerful narcotics to keep him at bay yet he’s still there. Still lurking, sulking with that lifeless expression because living with PAIN isn’t living it’s merely existing. And no matter how dark he makes it, Adler is that light, that rainbow in the storm. We will not live here forever, we hope, we pray we beg him not to. Let us revel in the thought of his leaving for good one day. Taking Adler’s nightmares and my constant worry with him! Until then we sadly and unacceptingly tolerate him being here as we loathe him but smile through our anger and hold onto that one day Adler will run and walk and exist and live with out him, with out PAIN!!!!