Today I awoke by Adler’s voice saying “hi” as he crept in my room. Sunshine sneaking in between the blinds. We brushed our teeth and had idle chit chat between mother and son like “who did you sleep?” and “did you dream?” All good things. Out to the family room we went. He sat on his heating pad and turned it on and I covered him with a blanket and turned on a new Spider Man while I prepared his meds and took mine too since we both have ear infections and a little cold. Breakfast was a lovely meal replacement shake for me and he had a turkey stick and then some pasta….at this point in the game whatever he wants to eat he can have. Chemo pretty much allows that kind of diet for him. We hang out on the couch after I chatted with a friend while I unloaded the dishwasher and checked the old Facebook for my daily dose of anything other than here. Which brings me to this……during this road, this journey of PAIN and illness and disease I have found ways to distract myself, to avoid the reality that is facing us on a daily basis. Cancer is no longer the pink elephant in the room but has made itself comfortable as we have settled into a routine now. Weekly chemo, alarms set for anit-nausea meds every four hours for at least 24 hours afterwards. Spiderman bucket by the bed and couch at all times. The chemo back always packed with goodies and entertainment for Adler and Ipad chargers and snacks for us all. It stays packed in case of fevers that send us to the hospital too. 100.4 is a trip to the hospital no matter what. So see……..I am always thinking about it. It is always on my mind and if it isn’t, it isn’t far away. I sit with him daily and at times I allow my mind to drift. If he is comfortable, fed and otherwise engaged in something I let go a little. Let my mommy gate down. I do this through fantasy in my head. No, it isn’t always sexual, but sometimes it is. Not gonna lie there. I use books too as an escape from the mundane domestic duties and the constant role as caregiver which can also feed my ultra sensitive imagination. I have been blessed or lucky if you will, to be have the imagination I do. I would love to compare it to the greats like Lewis Carroll or Hunter S. Thompson but maybe not so many drugs involved just my daily Xanax. I have the ability to look at a picture or read words and transport myself there. To feel the waves of an ocean, taste the salt on my lips, smell the coconut oil covered bodies and hear the crash of the sea against the sand under my feet just by seeing a picture of the azure waters. Or a steamy novel can ignite my senses enough to make me breathe a little heavy and blush from the things that go on in my mind. Feeling feverish and teenager like. All natural and perfectly good ways to “get away” in my head. I don’t have the luxury of a real get away. I don’t really have any hobbies like knitting or sewing. But I can day dream like an Olympian. I can pretend just as good at almost 37 as I did sitting in my yellow room, walls draped with Cyndi Lauper, Duran Duran and Michael Jackson posters with a Karate Kid VHS near by and hair dangling down my back sitting on my twin size bed covered in stuffed animals and playing with my Barbie’s at age 8. Not too much has changed just gotten a little more important now. I can remember teachers being amazed at my cognitive thinking at a young age and I am happy to see that in Adler. I like the trips I go on in my mind. Its my own private island of mischief where I can go anytime day or night. I really should keep a dream journal!! There’s good stuff in my night time convoys too. Today I was buried so deep in a book that Adler’s entire nap was spent with me consumed in the lives of the 2 characters that come to life page by page in my mind. I love that. I love when someone’s writing is so good that the characters stay with me forever. May I dare to be that good one day!!! Then the storms rolled in this afternoon with comforting sounds of the rain drops peppering the house and the thunder strolling across the sky. I opened the back patio door to hear it and smell the freshness of rain hitting warm concrete. There’s just something so satisfying about summer rain. Again, another mini holiday in my head. So today its all about the cozy day dreams and the warmth and pleasure they can bring at the right moment. May they always linger and keep me company.
Magnificent Amusement of My Imagination