This is the face of a caregiver. This is the face of a mother who’s son has cancer and hydrocephelus and adrenal insufficiency. Who’s son has suffered in PAIN for nearly 2 years of his mere 5 years on this earth. This face is one that smiles most days but as Adler says “sometimes I have to get all my cries out”.
Today I heard a Peter Gabriel song that flooded my mind with uncontrollable emotion. It was a song that I heard him sing the night he was inducted into the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame and at that time in our lives we were so lost in the swirling waters of PAIN and disease that I couldn’t help but weep with such sorrow and disbelief of all of it. And sometimes even though we are doing well and all is calm at this moment of our voyage, I break down. I think its because I can. I can lose it while he naps because chemo makes him so tired. I can cry with myself in my own home all alone. The levee breaks and I can release it all. The emotional anguish that has been shoved down like a beach ball under the water and every so often it pops up. Today is one of those release days. I ride the good vibe wave as long as I can but it comes crashing down on the shore eventually. And though my fears are stable as are his tumors, it still exists just like that killer inside his body. His little body that I made. That I read to and played music for in my womb. That little hand that still holds mind down the hall to his chemo room is still the most precious thing. His little body is fighting its hardest and so is my heart to keep going and stay strong!! I have compared it to a killer walking around beside him with a gun to his head and we are doing everything we can to make that fucker leave!! As dark as that sounds, its the truth. So, sometimes you just have to cry. Tears are healing. Its like a deep breath. So I allow it to happen. I do not stifle my emotions. Breathe, cry, get angry, get happy and appreciate…..In that order. That’s what happens sometimes. And then continue, forward motion never losing momentum. Bold As Love. The rainbow in the storm! Stay the course and steer the ship. Just needed to take a minute below deck………
3 thoughts on “”
Take all the time you need below deck. It sounds like you have a support of crew. I admire your strength and Adler is blessed to have you in his life.
“Got to walk out of here;
I can’t take anymore.
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below…
Don’t give up now
we’re proud of who you are…
Don’t give up
’cause you have friends…”
Peter Gabriel and the rest of us have your back, Elizabeth!!
Take all the time you need. He’s in Gods Hands and I assure you that you and Adler are NOT ALONE. I pray daily as I have grown to love him as one of my own. God bless and keep you both.
In Jesus name. Amen!