Worry

Did you know that there are 31 synonyms for the word “worry”?  I looked it up this morning after a night of vexation. (That’s one!!) Adler resumed chemo yesterday and even keeping him at only 75% of his normal 100% dose it kicked hs ass. It comes out of nowhere like a bad buzz. The kind where you feel fine until you stand up to go to the bathroom or worse yet, when you lay down and the room spins…..yea chemo does the same thing to our Adler. So I had all my alarms set on my phone for his zofran (anti nausea meds) every 4 hours and planned to stay up until midnight for the first late dose. We put him to bed and with in a few minutes he comes out to the living room pale and gray almost holding his doggie saying ” I think I may vomit”. And it’s like a switch that flips or like your body goes into the red immediately. It’s “come with me lets get to the bathroom” and daddy gets the Spider Man bucket that’s always by the bed and I click the heating pad on with my toe while reaching for his hand. Then the sweatig and the deep breaths start.  His mouth waters and you just wait for it to come, or worse yet, not come. He has a stool in the bathroom to sit on even. Then we head back to the comfort of the couch and the relaxation music chimes in the background and he sits and tries to rest. I hold back the tears from frustration and anger and just the torture of worrying about him. But they fall down my cheeks reminding me how real this all is!! I try to keep him calm and comfortable and at the same time I am doing it for myself too. It takes about an hour or so to complete the cycle of shitty feeling for him and I carried him back to bed. Then I stay awake for the next round of meds and to try to quiet my thoughts. Searching my mind for an escape like a reality refugee I try to hide away from the revolution that is our lives due to the killer that lives inside of our son.  I hate cancer.  It’s a despicable feeling to live with but I do and I do my best to stay in the light but there is always that gray area between the dark and the light. One day at a time. And take in the sunshine through the breaks in the storm, if and when we can. IMG_20150608_220552893

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