So last week I met with the principal and Adler’s preschool teacher from almost 3 years ago at his old school, soon to be current school to set him up for Kindergarten. Wow. My baby who so proudly and happily walked down those halls at age 3 with an Avengers backpack on as big as him with his buttons decorating it singing Poker Face by Lady Gaga, will make his triumphant return. Finally, a sparkle in the darkness that has plagued our lives for the last 2 years of PAIN and suffering and cancer and disease. Doctors and hospitals, ER trips and everlasting worry calmed by day dreams of normalcy. Well, it is going to happen. Normal is near. Chemo will be ending in less than 3 months now and school starts on August 18th and he will hopefully be on a chemo break then and be able to attend his first official day of school with all the other kids. He will have Mondays and Tuesdays off while still on chemo and then he will attend half days for awhile maybe working up to full days, that’s a big we’ll see, as we say in our house. His body will need time, lots of time to recover from the poisonous chemo that has been put into his body weekly for over a year now. His little boy body that has grown and changed since his last trip down the hall to his classroom. His spirit just as alive as his smile was then too. He is super excited and can’t wait to go back. He misses his barely made friends and being around kids. He knows he has “restrictions” and has to be careful and that he will be considered special needs, but he also knows exactly why too. Because he has cancer. Just because he is going back to school doesn’t mean he is cured. It doesn’t mean the PAIN will go away. I will have to teach them about the PAIN faces and the scale of 1-10 and when to call me and when to give him morphine if needed or a Valium for a bad muscle knot. I am terrified to be honest of having him out of my care for a few hours a day, but it is what is best. It is what is necessary. It is the natural progression of normal life for a child. I know it is positive and wonderful that they are working with me on making it an easy transition for him and for me. They are doing their best to make him and me comfortable with this. It’s a private school so today we went to buy him uniform pants which are khaki pants and plain colored tops that can be red, white or blue. I easily bought a ton of the shirts from Old Navy as we sat in the ER Tuesday night while he was being treated for yet another fever. I mean we waited 5 hours for a half hour antibiotic, what else is a smart phone for than shopping online??? But pants, that was a try on situation. And when we did, he zipped them up, buttoned them and we showed his father that they fit and he ran to me and jumped into my arms and hugged me and I cried. It was one of THOSE moments, a moment as a mother that means so so much to you for some reason only your heart knows and then you can’t help but cry. So I did, right there in the JC Penny dressing room as my cancer, hydrocephalus, adrenal insufficient ridden son hugged me with excitement. I felt it all. That exact moment. All the times I couldn’t feel proud or was jealous of other kids and moms through pictures on Facebook of normal stuff. I was doing something normal. And it felt so good and so scary. Cancer and PAIN have been our normal for so long now, and yes they still will be but there are sparkles and shimmers of light in all that darkness that has been attached to me for so long. Sure I smile and laugh and have fun, but cancer sucks and it’s sad and mean and takes things from you that you didn’t know you had to lose. We have not won the battle and we still fight but this is just another victory along the way. My son is going to school and I couldn’t be happier about it. Crayons and glue sticks and colored pencils and notebooks and yep 2 backpacks and whatever else he wanted I bought today. And he will have 50 shirts in every color he can have and cardigans to match and khaki pants galore because my son can go to school. I am holding back my tears as I type even because I am so overwhelmed with emotion about this. Who thought school supplies and khaki pants would dig so deep into the emotional mountain that is our lives?? So the ship is docking soon. I can see it. I can feel it. And I will stay ready and able to gather the troops again for battle if need be and stand tall and fierce at that helm. I am the captain of this ship and I will not falter. My son is going to school and he will dance down those halls to his classroom with his light up shoes and his light up skull covered backpack and have one hell of a good time!!! Cheers to school dayz!!!! My son is going to school, did I mention that??
A sparkle with school!