Well, it’s nap time for Adler Bear. I gave him his afternoon meds and he’s all tucked in his bed with his gold glitter lava light going and his Bob Marley lullaby playing as to soothe his mind. All things to ease his rest and bring happy dreams to his little mind and body at rest.
Now for mom. That’s me. Well, I shut the curtain to the patio door darkening the room a little bit. Not like creepy dark and dreary, just a little. Taking yet another Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat break. My social media binges do help pass the time and keep me connected to some adults outside of the 2 I speak to daily, my husband and my mother. It’s the only connection I have to the outside sometimes. There was a time when I didn’t even leave the house for weeks at a time due to his severe PAIN or if I did it was merely but an hour or so to grab groceries or a hair cut if I was lucky. (Just got my hair cut yesterday. Love a fresh cut!) Yes, things are better for us now. We certainly aren’t done with the battle but we have had victories along the way and I am happy for them how ever large or small but sometimes, like now, I don’t want to sit and reflect on our PAIN ridden past or the diseased present or the unknown future…….I want to just sit and hear the hum of the air conditioner, the growl of a lawn mower down a couple houses and stair blankly at the rainbow lava light in our kitchen bubble. Just get lost in a nice long drawn out fantasy…..who knows of what or who or the why of it but just not think of anything to do with cancer. Maybe a creature comfort orange and red leaf covered porch attached to a mountain side cabin tucked into the hills of a southern state where the fireplace is crackling and the quilts call for you to be tucked under at night when the stars shine like hand tossed glitter in the sky. Books laid bedside and the bathroom has shower with a bench in it and room for whatever ever you feel like doing in it. A claw foot cast iron tub with music piped directly in from the window as the sounds of nature mix with the steam of the hot water making every nerve in my body calm and relaxed. Yea, that sounds like a place I would crave to go to!
Maybe grab a good book. A super steamy erotic novel where the lovers finally attack each other with desperate kisses and hungry bodies. Or turn on the TV to what ever the fuck I want to watch. Finally dive into that stack of True Blood season’s I have been dying to watch. Gotta love sexy vampires and wolves!! Laundry, hell no! Dishes, I don’t think so. Sit and do nothing and NOT feel guilty about it…..yep that’s more like it. And you know what, I don’t feel guilty. I used to. I used to be plagued with the mom guilt of “I should be getting some house work done” Or the typical “nap when he naps” bullshit that every one said when he was a baby comes to mind but I don’t nap well. Never have. Hell, I have even taken a liking to soaking in the tub again. Scented bath salts and bubbles with Adler’s Party In The Tub light on so I can relax in the semi dark bathroom. Is it selfish to say it’s ok to do nothing? Nope, I don’t think so. Is it lazy for me to just sit on the couch for 2-3 hours while he naps and read or watch TV or a movie? I don’t think so. And if someone were to think so they can fuck off. I don’t get the luxury of social interactions at work anymore. Or smiles and waves in the pick up lines at school quite yet so…..I take what I got and use that and that’s one hell of an imagination and the ability to use it to escape and a media madhouse of dvd’s, Netflix, Direct TV and yes a library of sexually explicit books paired with an enormous music library, because tall dark and sexy needs life to be breathed into him by that same imagination that can come up with super cookie cutter cute lunches for Adler to entertain his brain too. Poems read to him at night lead to writings of my own. I recited Lewis Carrol at age 8 and I hope that Adler will do the same. Though, he’s more of Whitman, Longfellow and Kipling fan so far.
Time alone even if just for a few hours is necessary and healthy and if it’s just while he naps and gives me time to take a deep breath, sit down and day dream, then yes, I say yes to that!! All the way yes. Or a way to cruise my mind around the winding roads of the great films like Hustle And Flow because yea, it’s hard out there for a pimp and yes Goodfellas and The Godfather series are always welcome because those wise guys gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse so many years ago when I fell in love with mob films. And thank you to Tombstone for the many lines I still use and can repeat if asked and I still cheer at the Karate Kid when he crane kicks that fucker right in the face. And god yes, there is always room for a chick flick with a box of tissues or to smile along with Bridget Jones’s Diary and that can be easily be tagged teamed with a George Romero zombie movie or Rob Zombie for that matter.
So yea, it’s nap time……ME time and who knows maybe I will actually enjoy it??!!